A chat with Hazel, Run Talk Run York
This week we have been chatting to Hazel, who leads our Run Talk Run in York. Hazel shares candidly her experiences with low self esteem, bulimia, and how running was a catalyst for taking better care of her mind and body.
Tell us a bit about your running and/or mental health journey so far.
I have a long history with mental health issues. I started self harming at a young age and had a lot of self esteem issues, looking back I think the cause was undiagnosed autism and knowing that I didn’t fit in but having no idea why. I knew I was different, I knew I was awkward and that I was doing things “wrong” but I had no idea why or how to fix it. No one took my issues seriously so I took those feelings and aimed them inwards.
As I got older things didn’t get better, I ended up developing and eating disorder and using risking behaviours as coping mechanisms on top of the self harm.
I got good grades at school, I got into university and it was here where they finally discovered that I was on the autism spectrum, unfortunately by then I had also developed a fairly serious anxiety disorder and my bulimia was totally out of control. I then ended up in a relationship with someone who was not right for me and who made things worse, I felt it was normal to be in a relationship and financially I was in a bad position so I stayed with him for a long time.
During this relationship I finally got to the top of a waiting list and got therapy and medications. If I am honest it didn’t really help that much. I was almost living in the gym, counting every calorie and obsessively burning them off, abusing laxatives, drinking too much and just generally not respecting my body.
After I dropped out of university and split up with my ex I ended up moving back to the city that my parents live in, so I had a safety net I guess as was really struggling to maintain an income. Around this time I took up running, but unlike going to the gym I actually enjoyed this activity. I started to eat more sensibly as I discovered that I needed the energy, I became fascinated by the idea of ultra running and in order to run 30, 50, or even 100 miles I was going to have to sort out the rest of my life.
It’s taken a long time, and I won’t say it was easy, but I am now an ultra runner. I no longer drink, I eat 3 meals a day, I haven’t self harmed or used laxative in years. I was heading down a very bad road, and there is some permanent damage, and there are still bad days when I have to talk myself into eating properly. But things are a million times better than they were.
What brought you to Run Talk Run specifically?
It was mentioned by someone who I follow on Instagram so I looked it up ad discovered York didn’t have a group. In a moment of uncharacteristic confidence I decided to set one up. I’m extremely interested in the connection between exercise and mental health, I fully believe that outdoor exercise especially is incredibly useful for psychological maintenance and general wellbeing. The social side is also fantastically helpful as, even if its just once a week, you’re not on your own.
In what ways does running (and RTR!) help you?
I think running gives me focus and a reason to look after myself. It’s a time when I don’t have to worry about stressful aspects of life, I can be fully in the moment. It’s almost like a mind reset.
What would you say to someone who was nervous about coming to a Run Talk Run?
It’s natural to be worried, I was terrified when I started with all this. If you can then maybe reach out on social media first so that you feel that you at least semi know one person there. But if possible, just go for it, everyone involved it really nice and I bet someone can relate to things in your life that you find hard.