How Bulimia Still Affects Me Today - Jess Robson
I find it hard to talk about my journey into running without acknowledging the role that bulimia had to play.
Having spent all of my teenage years berating myself for a lack of "thinness", my decision to start running was 100% centred around trying to sustain my already-slim frame. Self-loathing was all I knew, and in a way, I think I felt relieved to have found running as another outlet to inflict some harm on myself in a socially acceptable way.
Though I had every intention of using running as a means to punish my body into achieving a certain aesthetic, what actually happened was quite bizarre. The more I ran, the more I built an ever-growing respect for my body and what it could do - as opposed to just how it was looking. This took me by surprise. I was becoming less concerned with numbers on the scale and more concerned by planning out my next route. Slowly, I stopped purging my meals (over a toilet) and for a while it really did look like I'd recovered fully from bulimia.
Though it sounds positive, I'm not proud of this. I'm not proud that I started my running journey for the "wrong reasons" and nor would I advocate for anyone to go about their recovery from an eating disorder in the same way.
Since the age of 19 when I first decided to throw on a pair of running shoes, the lines have been incredibly blurred as to how much running was helping or hindering my recovery from bulimia.
In many ways it provided me with self-efficacy that I didn't know I was lacking. The belief that I could set myself a task and actually see it through. Even through rain, wind, student hangovers, I found a way to make those runs happen and that gave me a level of self confidence that bulimia had stolen from me.
Though the textbook version of bulimia looks quite ugly and extreme, I found that with every passing year my bulimic urges were perhaps becoming more disguisable and subtle. I truly don't think I've ever fully "recovered", and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.
The extreme binge/purge behaviour is now replaced by what I might refer to as "comfort eating" and "over exercising", but is this really all that dissimilar?
It's hard to recognise, because I am (on paper) a healthy BMI and to look at me you would not see someone who is "ill" at all - you'd see a healthy/strong physique. You'd see someone who is eating exactly what she wants when she wants it, which is, on paper, healthy - right?
There is no purpose to this post except to highlight that the Founder of Run Talk Run and Walk Talk Walk actually does not have all her sh*t figured out yet. On this Eating Disorder Awareness Week I feel it is just as important to make note of how disordered eating trickles into our day to day lives just as it is important to highlight those who are experiencing EDs at the more severe and life threatening end of the spectrum.
Bulimia shows up for me in subtle ways now...
Getting anxious by supermarkets and seeing food in large volumes
Finding it hard to make decisions around food
Hoarding snacks (it's comical to some level, but I feel sad about this deep down)
Shortness of breath when I sit down to eat a meal (anxiety)
Hunger and satiation signals completely skewed
Struggling with feelings of fullness
Enjoying yummy food on my own terms but hating “forced” treats or feeling like I have to eat when I don’t want to
Anyone experiencing disordered eating, or disordered thoughts around food, deserves support - that really is the crux of it. It doesn't matter if you only struggle a little bit (like me) or a lot (like someone else)... if you are reading this and thinking that you would like to reach out for support with an ED then I wholeheartedly encourage you to. You don't need to wait until you're "ill enough".
As for me personally, I'm in the process of doing the same. I'm getting therapy again for the first time in 4.5 years and this time I'm not holding back from talking about the disordered thoughts around food.
If you want to find out where/how you can get support with this, my first piece of advice would be to contact your GP. If you're not quite ready for that, then beateatingdisorders.org.uk is a great source of information and support.