I’ve dropped a bollock. Time to rectify.

I’m sat here typing as a last ditch attempt to focus my mind on something other than how hap-hazard my breathing is.

Not for the first time today, I found myself getting tight in the chest. For the briefest moment I wonder why, then I realise I AM HOLDING MY BLOODY BREATH. Again. I’m holding my breath AGAIN. One exasperating release of air is the precursor to somewhat tired lungs which don’t know how to fill up properly.

I’m pissed off with my lungs to be honest. I’m pissed off, particularly, that they appear to have given me a pea-sized capacity in which I can fill them with oxygen.

And then I remember… I was the one holding my breath in the first place.

I try the prescribed 5 seconds in – hold – 5 seconds out – hold – technique. It doesn’t help. I’m getting lightheaded and I desperately want a deep breath. I find my body is trying to force me to yawn… it wants that oxygen that I’m depriving it of. The lightheaded feeling worsens, and of course I’m not getting any work done.

Why am I not getting any work done? What kind of employee am I? I definitely think they’d be better off hiring someone who doesn’t FORGET TO BREATHE. George told me a joke the other day about a blonde woman who forgot to breathe, it was really funny. This… this is not funny.

It has been this way since last Friday. The thing is, I’ve dropped a bollock. I’ve messed up. I’ve let my crazy “go get it now bitch” drive push me into taking on more and more and more tasks until rather subtly, I have combusted.

I feel as though my brain is just so FULL of the tasks on my to-do-list that it forgets the biggest “to do” of all – telling my lungs to keep breathing. I feel it’s a snarky way of  my brain hinting that we’ve either gotta start

  1. Doing the work on this to do list or
  2. Just let GO of some of the work on the to do list

Since I’m already trying really really hard at point a), it seems like getting rid of some of the work is necessary. I didn’t come this far in my recovery to be my own catalyst of another breakdown. It has been over a year since I last found myself residing at rock bottom and I really don’t fancy being there again.

I’m writing this mainly to help myself (writing is an outlet for me) but also to remind you that sometimes you WILL drop a bollock on your mental health maintenance. You might, like me, just forget. You know, forget that you have vulnerabilities and triggers and that you’ve got to be wary of them. Or even on a much grander scale, forget that your brain needs a fucking REST every now and then.

If you can glean anything useful from this waffling messy post, let it be this.

  • Keep evaluating your mental health so it doesn’t surprise you with blocked airways
  • Keep evaluating the necessity of how hard you’re working – could you use a break?

Love you all so very much.

Jess x

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